Credit card company: Haha! For years you’ve made free money off our reward program, but you know what? Payback’s a bitch! Here’s that x.x% APR you never bothered paying attention to when you applied for the card. Good luck and thanks for your business. Keep enjoying those dinners out, acupuncture sessions, organic produce, and flights to interviews for jobs you won’t get! Repeat after me, “Just charge it!”

My music player: This song, again? I guess it’s better than ke$ha…

The people on the bus: Where does this chick work? Some days she’s in yoga pants, some days she’s in dresses. Sometimes she wears makeup, sometimes not. Maybe she doesn’t work? What’s with the pirate flag on her Tervis Tumbler mug? WHOA! Red lipstick, ok girl, get it.

My tan lines: Help! We’re fading!

My dishwasher: You spent more time trying to cram that pot and pan in here than it would have taken for you to hand wash them. P.s.- thanks for the eco-friendly dishwashing detergent!

My cell phone: No matter how many times you refresh that page, there’s not going to be anything new. Quit it, you’re draining my energy; then you’ll curse me later when I die and you have to get home via public transit and it’s after dark.

The cute man with beard, glasses, and stylish shoes on the subway: Why do you keep looking at me? I have a ring on, but I’m not ever going to show you my left hand so you can see it because I’m not even paying attention to you actually.

My paycheck: HAVE NO FEAR, PAYCHECK IS HERE!!! Wait… where’d I go, I just got here?!

The barista at the local coffee shop: Seriously, you’re going to make me type in your credit card info, for one cup of tea and a piece of pumpkin bread?  Can’t carry cash like normal people? Oh, and you get a free drink next time! See you tomorrow when you miss your bus, again.

The waiter/waitress at any restaurant I dine at: So, water, no ice, and a lemon? No it’s not purified, it’s tap water, free tap water. Anything else, princess?

My yoga mat: Look how far you’ve come! Keep working on that crow pose, and can we go back to Bikram again please? Namaste.

The bottle of hand sanitizer on my desk: I’m concerned about you. I think we need to talk about your excessive alcohol usage.