I have a Pre-Date Playlist (of course I do) that I sometimes play as I’m getting ready for first dates. It includes a modest list of classic Shania Twain, the Robin Thicke song, and Ellie Goulding reminding that “Anything Could Happen.” My favorite song on that mix, however, is Deanna Carter’s “Did I Shave My Legs for This?” because that mostly sums up my experiences with online dating. Now her situation is slightly different per the lyrics, but the spirit is the same: why the hell did I spend all this time and effort and concern when you’re just going to show up to a nice dinner in sneakers; or with your armpit hair exposed in a careless white tank top, and a little high on something; or looking like Ray Romano’s East Indian cousin with bad crow’s feet and who isn’t funny, when your profile pictures promised a hot and sexy, youthful-looking exotic stud? All true stories, dearies. I can’t make this shit up…

If you ever wondered what online dating sites offer, here’s been my experience. Online dating consists mostly of men who have any combination of the following:

• are med students
• say they have a hard time talking about themselves/writing a profile, but in real life I’ve found they
• talk too much, including interrupting you to start talking about something else
• are “laid back” and “easy going”
• are huge Phillies and Eagles fans
• like going out but like a night in with a movie and bottle of wine, too
• want an attractive girl who likes to go out but also looks just as good in pajamas
• have literally traveled the world by their early 30s, and that’s all they post photos of/brag about
• want a “partner in crime” (I was SURE I coined that phrase in online dating, but I’ve retired it as it’s become way too cliché now)
• are “family-oriented” and spoil their niece(s) and/or nephew(s)
• have the greatest friends and would do anything for them (that’s SO rare, right?!)

I’ve learned a lot about myself through all these different experiences. Mostly what I don’t like. For this, I bring you the following, still true, snippets from the various dating sites/apps I’ve exposed myself to for apparently sole entertainment purposes:

If all your pictures are of you in sunglasses holding varying bottles of alcohol, you’d be a NOPE.

If your first message to me is “are u into bdsm?” you’re not getting a message back.

If your tagline is “WHERE THE SERIOUS LADIES AT,” “um yeah I got nothing,” or “Available…LOL” I’m not available and I’ve definitely got nothing for you, either.

If your username is “CallMeDaddy” “Gettinit” “Mismeasured” “Mutated Monkey” “Hitman” or “MrRight” you’re probably not, in fact, Mr. Right

If you describe your stomach problems in your profile, or use all 1s, 2s, and 4s in place of words, or describe yourself as “yummy” I’m not dying to know more.

If you’re 49, you have no business interrogating ME why I’m single and online dating; if you’re over 60, you shouldn’t even be allowed to like or even view my photos.

If you text me and ask me to send you $30 for last night’s dinner bill share, if I want, I don’t want to. If you text me 5 more times and spell out the math of how I owe you (and you miscalculate how much I paid for), I’m still not texting you back. If you text me 10 more times telling me in detail how horrible of a person I am, I’ll report you to the dating website.

Rules, Advice, & Lessons Learned the Hard Way (so you don’t have to):

1. Don’t give your phone number before meeting in person.
2. Always have cash on hand when going on a date.
3. Give a trusted friend or two or three all the info you have about your date, including where and when you’re going; always have someone “on call.”
4. Don’t drink tequila on the first date.
5. Don’t let the person walk you home on a first date; spend the extra money and take a cab.
6. Stalk your dates. I use “Docket in Your Pocket” app (State of PA only) but you can do a good ole criminal record check online if you have enough patience to figure it out.

Public apologies to all the men I don’t respond to; to Ray Romano, because I love you and think you’re hilarious and would rather date you than your unfortunate doppelganger; the bar Alfa for what happened that one night as result of breaking Rule #4; and to myself for putting myself through all this.

Until I find someone worthy of a better blog post, follow me on Twitter for the occasional live tweeting of date nights. Please tell me someone else has had similar experiences? Or maybe you have a good story to give me hope until my subscription for this stupid site is up? ~CkB